By Dale St. Marthe
1. Rihanna and Lupita the Action Movie
It’s fucking happening!! We’re really about to get a heist movie with Lupita & Rih. I’m screeching pic.twitter.com/Vt7i5y3kHi
— nañi (@pettyblackgirI) April 23, 2017
It. Is. Lit.
What started off as a joke, a simple observation that Rihanna resembled a savvy scammer and Lupita a genius hacker in a Paris Fashion week photo, followed by a very nice illustration of what they would look like in action, could now possibly result in a real action/comedy movie between these two talented Black women. Now we just need someone to write it…
— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) April 23, 2017
Bruh, if Issa Rae really writes the script, issa wrap, issa grammy nomination for real. I could already hear Rihanna’s song “Bitch Better Have My Money!” playing in the beginning, I could already see them doing the most with the costuming, I could already smell the money I’m going to be handing to the ticket person. Issa day one watch!
2. Shea Moisture Tryna Gentrify The Ethnic Aisle
I love shea moisture 😍 did y’all hear of their new shampoo called “white wash?” It’s to die for https://t.co/hs2LGuWmKh
— JAY VERSACE (@jayversace) April 24, 2017
Don’t do it. Don’t do it Shea Moisture!
They aren’t really dropping that “White Wash” shampoo though, but really tried it with this new ad campaign. Companies are really trying to get their ads pulled this year. Black Twitter reacted to this one with the swiftness as always because come on, most Urban Chameleons have as much empty Shea Moisture product containers as half-full ones.
But what was the mindset behind this move Shea Moisture: having all these wypipo with straight hair and no representation for your real kinky haired supporters? I know that white money may be enticing you, so you chose to exclude your most supportive demographic from your ad and subsequently your image in order to accommodate white women’s ethnocentric view of the world, but you really did us dirty. Occasionally sure, I’ve seen white woman in the ethnic haircare aisle I assume shopping for product for their adopted Black baby. But generally speaking there should not be blondes in a Shea Moisture hair care ad with straight hair talking about “Stop hair hate.” What hate? I mean, I once heard someone call a white woman’s hair “limp” but there are at least 20 brands that will fix that for them.
And even if they needed it, Black women alone contribute around 7.5 billion to the beauty economy, so slighting them could get your stock dropped. Believe that.
3. #HurtBae or #FakeBae?
— R A Y M O N D (@RaymondCams) April 23, 2017
If you know the story behind these two, you’ll be shaking your head right now as well. And probably laughing because people come back to those that hurt them so often, it’s laughable.
This couple, Kourtney and Leonard, starred in this viral video produced be The Scene on Valentine’s Day, where they cry about how bad their relationship was. The video got wildly popular, and the girl who was thoroughly wronged in this situation, was dubbed #HurtBae. I remember all the slander that guy Leonard got, but remembering the video and how he cheated so many time that he stopped counting, and how he blamed their bad relationship on how she simply would not leave, he deserves it.
But what if this picture proves that…maybe…it was staged! Some people are speculating just that.
— tino (@tino1b2be) April 24, 2017
Think about it, people love reality television, so they probably got two good looking actors with superb acting skill to tell a heart-wrenching story about a tumultuous but relatable relationship for views! Or what of I’m bugging and ignoring the fact that it can’t be fake because nobody would want to slander their own name like Leonard did with his “I don’t know I wasn’t counting” self. If this video was a giant stunt then get Kourtney and Leonard some acting jobs because that emotion was intense.
4. Billboard’s Social Media Team Probably Spaced Out
Rihanna’s hairstylist shows us how to rock Bad Gal RiRi’s ‘90s-inspired “space knots!” (Just in time for festival season👍) pic.twitter.com/yU4xAGcefX
— billboard (@billboard) April 20, 2017
— sianne (@lonelyabstract) April 20, 2017
Space Knots…Space…Knots. I’m trying to think where they got the “space” thing from. Is it how the knots are spaced out from each other? Does this have to do with asteroids? Is it because they might resemble the multiple eyes of an alien? Ohhhh I get it…Star Wars with the woman, I think her name was Padme, she had some huge knots at the side of her head and maybe they thought this had to do something with that.
The gag is, Yusuf Williams, the hair stylist in the video embedded right in their f-ing tweet called them “Bantu Knots” so it seems Billboard went out of their way to make fool out of themselves. For real, did the social media team do this tweet drunk like “Yaaah let’s take this already established hairstyle amongst Black women and GENTRIFY THAT SHIET!” Just another instance of white people trying to take what’s ours and rename it some wack stuff.
Enough is enough Tyler. https://t.co/FhSyX2jbBQ
— Diyoncè (@shes_rADIAnt) April 22, 2017
— Shadow And Act (@shadowandact) April 22, 2017
Man I empathize with you Mr. Perry with the living in your car for a while and making it big with your movies, but enough is enough.
It’s just like the Fast and Furious serious in just how much sequels there are, except that Fast and Furious is actually good. My main problem with the Tyler Perry series, and one of the many points Black Twitter has brought up, is that he has like a total of one plot. He uses the same cheating plot with some weird class dynamic somewhere sometimes in his movies. I’m just sick of it Tyler! I really don’t give a shit what happens to Madea anymore! And I certainly don’t want to meet her baby.
A good producer knows how to branch out to different genres. Tyler please try. How long will he trundle in this stereotypical Black, urban, melodramatic swamp? Anyway, that was a fun vent. I’ve been holding that in since I was forced to watch Madea’s Big Happy Family during Thanksgiving with some real southern Black family friends. I swear that was torture but the food was great.
6. Your Daily Dose of Trump Being Incompetent
yall president really wrote a tax reform plan using the notes app pic.twitter.com/MBh5YHPbwU
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) April 26, 2017
We know who y’all is, and I’m so glad he said y’all because Trump’s #NotMyPresident .
This is what white people wanted; a man who writes a Tax Reform Plan like a high school freshman writes a résumé. Do y’all see that letterhead? That looks like the free clipart you get with Windows Vista. Ain’t no stock paper and gilded letterheads, my man probably made this in PowerPoint the night before.
You can tell Trump wrote this too by that line that says “The Biggest Individual Business Tax Cut in American History.” This man has done absolutely nothing but fail in this administration as of now, so how is he going to manage reforming one of the most complicated systems in America? The only historic thing he’s done is pulling off that historically low approval rating at the beginning of his administration. Gosh, I love roasting this clown, it’s just so easy.
7. Black Twitter Loves Meme-ing Beyoncé
“I actually invented Lemonade so it should be free.” pic.twitter.com/k8Yq3aGTLa
— blaria. (@Keelectric_Lady) April 27, 2017
Over these past months I’ve been trying to figure out just how Beyoncé is able to dodge the media’s slanderous eye. I mean, this woman has no scandals, and nobody is tired of her face or music. Nobody with good taste that is. Maybe it’s because she’s just that perfect.
And this week is no exception! “Queen B” aka “Bey” aka “Muva” has intrigued Black Twitter with this Instagram post of her in a restaurant speaking with what I presume is a waiter. Now somebody as rich and as creative as Beyoncé would not be saying anything regular, in fact she even said in her song “Don’t Hurt Yourself” to Jay Z that “You ain’t married to no average bitch boy!” So you know she’s doing the most, like claiming she invented Lemonade just because she made an album titled lemonade (which was the highest selling album in 2016 by the way). Here are some other captions from Twitter:
“I, as Beyoncé, will just have vegan icewater. The twins will have fried chicken, catfish nuggets, fries, mac & cheese, red beans & rice.” pic.twitter.com/RoPc0mYcpJ
— dad (@animalfriespls) April 27, 2017
You can’t forget about the twins, especially because they are Beyoncé’s.
“I don’t know much about algeba, but I know none of us ordered gratuity” pic.twitter.com/gxapYKmBe1
— Chi Like Da Flatiron (@Ipraisewomen) April 27, 2017
I know this one is bouncing off her famous song “1+1,” but come on; Beyoncé would drop like $100 on gratuity to flex because she got it like that.
8. Wypipo Mad At Obama’s 400k Speech?
Here’s a pic of Obama kitesurfing across the tears you shed over his $400,000 fee for giving a speech pic.twitter.com/0zzr0Fbqf1
— Ragnarok Lobster (@eclecticbrotha) April 27, 2017
This man, Barack “From the Block, Swagger on Lock, In NY He Might Milly Rock” Obama deserves every white Wall Street fat-cat dollar he can get his hands on.
I really don’t want to hear it from white Twitter, and neither does Black Twitter. To me this is not an unreasonable number. Why? Because this is a historic figure we are dealing with here. As a Black man alone he has insight and perspective that can reach a larger audience. As a politician, he has years of experience overcoming obstacles, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HE’S BLACK!
I hope he get a Billion dollars after the BS he went through during his administration. Y’all should be concerned with our current President and how he’s spending millions on GOLFING, the most boring sport in the world. And it’s with taxpayer money two! Get y’all lives.